SECRET SINS by CD REISS

 ‘Dad asked me once why I loved trouble. Why I seemed to enjoy it so much. Why I made my own if I couldn’t find it in the wild. I had no answer. Still didn’t.’

When we pick up a book by CD Reiss we pretty much know what we’re going to get. Beautiful, intelligent and vivid writing with characters that provoke you and makes you question how you feel. When an Author makes you feel very strongly about a story and characters you know they’ve given you an insight into their mind and heart. After all if an Author doesn’t care deeply, a reader won’t either no matter how you end up feeling. As long as you feel, you know you’ve enjoyed the story.

‘Note to self: “Not Feeling” stuff doesn’t mean you’re not feeling it. Being unemotional and cold doesn’t mean you don’t have a pot full of emotions waiting to boil over. It means the heat hasn’t been turned up enough, and the pot just hasn’t been there long enough. It means the pot hasn’t reach capacity. But it will. And your heart will beat so fast and hard you’ll want to die.’

And feel we did, as once again we got caught up in this Author’s words. We followed Margie through two moments in time- a past and present- and got to know an almost hidden secret side of her. Margie, for us, is a very difficult person to warm to. We hold our hands up and say, we don’t fully understand her nor connect to her. Our initial feelings are that she’s cold, clinical and doesn’t suffer fools gladly. In some respects it’s as if she’s devoid of any hint of vulnerability and tact. Rather, she merely exists chasing that exact moment someone will take their time and really dig past the front she puts out there and find her heart which in turn will make her confront herself and accept it.

‘Fuck this. I didn’t know what to do with my body, with my place in the world, my family. I was trapped in all of it.’

We know that her family plays a tremendous part in her situation and being, as well as isolation from certain aspects of life like love and empathy. This woman does not know affection and the basic nature of emotions and how to embrace and accept them. She stands in the world looking in rather than being in the centre of it. She’s a ticking time bomb of pent up avoidance.

‘I hadn’t been loved for the right reasons in a long, long time.’

‘I’d never liked feelings, even before I consciously pushed them away.’

“Feel it, Margie. Feel it.”

As we follow Cin, we meet Indy and Strat from her past and come to know how they’ve shaped her present. Two very important men in Margie’s life who’ve marked her forever and have left quite the impression emotionally, though still at a distance. Forcibly removed. It’s not a common occurrence for us to feel so strongly about a situation and its players whether positive or negative. CD Reiss made us feel indignation one moment, sympathy, love and surprise the next. Well played.

‘I wanted to crawl inside him and live there forever.’

‘I wanted him to like me, to want me, to love Cin again and learn to love Margie.’